Arguments are part of our lives. I was taught how to construct an argument in an essay. Arguments can be a healthy debate or it can be excruciating pain. I don’t like confrontations. I paid my price. There’s time and place for calling out on the BS and agreeing with stuff you don’t agree with.
For example, in my corporate job I had so much BS to deal with. Little did I know I didn’t have to.
‘Politeness always conceals a refusal to face other kinds of reality.’ John Fowles, The Magus
I went through hell and back dealing with someone else’s authority issues. The problem is when people start to exercise their non-existent power they destroy the goodness around them. In the corporate world, the ‘arguments’ are controlled.
There’s always an HR person and there’s always a boss and then there’s you and whoever supports you. In that situation, there’s always someone to diffuse or control the situation. However, when you are dealing with an argument on a one-to-one basis how does one control it so it doesn’t spiral down?
How to be Right in the Argument
The most painful arguments happen in a relationship. Because of love and care and ‘how dare you?’ or ‘how on earth?’ ‘why on earth would you do that to me?’ and so on. The problem is when someone criticises anyone a person prepares his/her feathers and a stance of ‘I am right!’ It’s a fight waiting to happen!
People in the relationship learn what bothers them. If a partner says ‘why are you having a war with your keyboard? I hate that sound’. I can say, ‘what do you want me do? How could I stop this sound? What do you suggest me do?’ Instead of shouting back, you are an idiot! I am trying to create something here. Why do you not support me?
Do you see how a negative comment that’s meant to hurt you, which it might do, makes you learn something and improve?
If one is to receive criticism with a view of I am a learner everything changes. I’d ask ‘what would you suggest I do?’ and the situation changes. Instead of me saying I am right you are wrong, why are you causing this? I ask what can I do to change/improve be better. I diffuse the argument. The person who is ‘attacking me’ has the power to say what bothers them. I give the power to them.
For instance, if someone told me my writing is bad. My writing is worth nothing and is absolutely a waste of time. It would certainly sting me. Instead of me fighting it, I can ask a question why do you think that is? Where am I going wrong? Do you see how I defused the situation? If I accept I am a learner I never argue.
Instead, I ask questions. Those questions will make me better. Because someone else’s view might have a nugget of gold. That nugget of gold could be a break in my career. So the person who decided to hurt me suddenly helped me.
‘There comes a time in each life like a point of fulcrum. At that time you must accept yourself. It is not any more what you will become. It is what you are and always will be.’ John Fowels, The Magus
We have to learn about ourselves and know weaknesses and strengths. We should know what pushes a button and sends us off. Once it’s recognised it’s easy to fix.
How to Never Argue
My husband and I barely argue. If we do it’s about not important stuff like why did you spend so much time in the shop? When it comes to big things we often have extensive chats and always listen to each other.
The best way to never to argue is to follow this:
- Don’t pretend you know everything
- Take a stance of a learner
- Listen more
You never know you might indeed learn something even if one statement meant to hurt you. After all, no-one is ever perfect. I can always be better and do better. What I know is limited. Someone else’s view might be exactly what I need to hear but only if I listen.
Learn from the criticism, negative comment, or even from someone who wants to sting you.
Love and Light.
Follow me on Twitter