How Not to Follow “The Rules” and Have it all

Dating world misconceptions

Have you ever looked for ways in which you can learn to do something, for instance, how to bake a vegan cake? How to become successful? How to learn scuba dive? How to become rich? How to learn to be in a relationship? How not to be single? How to learn maths? How to earn money as a coach? How to get followers? How to sell your ideas? So many how to’s it’s crazy!

Some of it I do find it useful, for example, I would like to know how to bake a vegan cake. However, I don’t need to learn how not to be single. And yet, there’s personal development gurus out there teaching people how to be in a relationship. Anyone can pick up a book on dating and relationships and there’s thousands of them.

One them is called The Rules book. I have read it because a friend of mine recommended it to me. She swore by the book and the rules. I read the book and I didn’t like it. I couldn’t follow The Rules for two simple reasons; one — I don’t ever follow the rules of any kind and two — it wanted me not to be me. I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t know who I am.

The guy has to love me the way I am. I cannot pretend who I am not. That’s why the book called The Rules is flawed. This book teaches people to be fake and play games. Real life has no time for games. Men and and women want the same thing love and be loved. If people start playing games and not be honest who they are then it’s never going to be a lasting and loving relationship.

The lady who wrote the book or one of them is divorced. I know she had a lot negative press for that. One can never judge the reasons of one’s personal life but teaching to be fake while dating is not cool. It’s a recipe for disaster. The film The Ugly Truth depicts how fakeness gets you a guy of your dreams but he doesn’t know who you are. The main character gets the guy she wants by pretending who she isn’t, in the end she chooses something that’s real and not staged or fake.

I remember how a colleague of mine once told me ‘just have a few more glasses of champagne’ if you don’t like the guy and carry on the conversation. I remember thinking why? Why would I pretend to like somebody if I don’t. I was never very good at pretending. If I don’t like something I will say it straight up. I won’t waste mine or somebody else’s time.

Why would I lie to a guy if I suffer from migraines and sometimes my life stops? Why would I pretend to like meat when on a date? I don’t eat it and I know it’s so bad for you. Why would I pretend I am not free to meet someone if they didn’t call me three days in advance? Why would I pretend to be busy when I am not? I always said, the guy will either like me how I am or not. It’s a simple as that.

I have lived by this rule until I met my husband. After we met first time we swore not to see each other again but we ended up marrying each other. I understand that it can go both ways you can be too open or too closed. Imbalance is the problem. If you are open too much too soon you might scare somebody off. If you don’t say much how can one like you?

There’s a problem of internet dating too. If you don’t like somebody’s eyebrows once can swipe left to another person. I understand in big cosmopolitan cities people do find it hard to find love for one reason or another. It’s no-one to blame but ourselves. People give up too easily and don’t spend enough time with each other.

I don’t think there’s a right time and the right person. I believe there’s a willingness to be open in other words open your heart and don’t have expectations. Being true to yourself and being kind is key. Learning how to be with another person without expectations, demands, reasons and enjoying the moment. Everyone wants everything fast and now. Connection to yourself first, then with others and then with the soulmate.

There’s no magic formula for love. All rules are always out of the window when it comes to love. Every couple has their unique story and it’s never the same for another why then we obsess with following somebody else’s rules? The only rule everyone should listen to is to their own heart. Only your heart knows.

I am a writer who learned to code! I write about personal experiences within a humanist and global context. Find me on Twitter & Instagram @erikachaudhary

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