I cried all day when I turned 33. Birthdays are weird for me. I never know what to do with it. I don’t know how birthdays should be. People tend to have parties. I had them too. People tend to have dinners. I had them too. People tend to get drunk on their birthdays. I had that too. I never knew how to celebrate my own birthday or why?
People say you have to celebrate your greatness, your amazingness, your achievements and so on. I don’t know about that. If you are a high achiever like myself then celebrating achievements may not be great. I always think I could have done more. The feeling of “I could have achieved more” gives me a sense of lack, which does not resemble a celebratory feeling.
I get that another year has passed. If I had been lucky I would have not lost a friend this year. Have I been good? I don’t know what do you measure the goodness with? If you compare me to a criminal then yes I am a good person. If you compare me to a saint I am not a good person. It’s all comparative. People are what they do not what they say as James Lee Burke wrote in one of his books.
I want to do so many things and I want to achieve so much more but to whose measure? To my own or others? Everything I am is everything I learned from my parents, my friends, my surroundings. What’s real and what isn’t? Which part of me is real me which part is influenced? If influenced, by whom? It’s so hard to determine which bit is which when I have been me for many years.
The best definition of myself I’d like to associate with is I am the universe connected through time and space, there’s no future and no past. The beauty of life is in being and becoming. If I stop I die. I don’t live by how passionate I am on what I do. I live by how it gets me closer to my goal, my vision my dream. Maybe that’s the measure of being and becoming?
Another yeas has passed and I have accomplished a lot although for some people it’s nothing. I don’t care. What other people think of me it’s none of my business. My business is being and becoming. Life is amazing. I thank every single person who sent me birthday wishes of some kind. I am fortunate enough to have so many who care to send me a birthday wish.
It’s important to fill yourself with gratitude and love and spread it around. That’s my birthday wish. I am so grateful for everything I have and what I created. I am grateful for tomorrow (if there’s one) and for many moments of being and becoming yet to come. I am grateful for all the love in the world. I want everyone in the world to be loved and love.